Children hold unconditional love, hope for the future, and limitless possibility in their tiny little bodies. As adults we have—by circumstance or by choice—closed the door on several possible avenues of life. But a newborn baby has every door open, every path a possibility As parents we will get to help them make choices and experience the excitement of becoming. Parents fill a unique place in their children’s lives; nurturing, coaching, teaching, loving them in a way no one else can.
Because the desire to be a parent affects so many facets of life— identity, self-worth, relationship with your spouse, life goals, relationships with friends who have become parents—the pain of infertility also reaches into all those places.
It reaches into the deepest part of you and, as one person described it, “makes your soul hurt.” Maybe it seems unfair to you that so many people who seem unprepared to parent have children without even trying, while you, who would be such a good parent, still have no children. Maybe you are angry at God for denying you children. It’s normal to be angry, and it’s okay to tell God how you feel.
Am I Infertile?
Infertility is generally defined as the inability to conceive after one year of unprotected sex, or the inability to carry a pregnancy that results in a live birth (miscarriage). Couples who want to have children often find it very difficult to even use the term “infertile” because it sounds like a final sentence condemning their parenting dreams. In many cases, however, it is not.
The medical community continues to offer hope as physicians specializing in infertility learn more about reproduction and develop more effective treatments for reproductive problems. But not every fertility problem can be solved by medicine. For those that can, pregnancy sometimes comes only after years of waiting and hoping.
One woman who dealt with infertility says the hardest thing for her was to be around pregnant women. It was especially difficult, she remembers, to be with pregnant women who reassured her with the empty promise that, “It’s going to be okay” They had no idea how it was going to be!
It’s not unusual for friends and family to say things that seem insensitive. Infertility can be such a disappointing and difficult experience, the people who love you may be uncomfortable that they can’t fix it. Infertility patients have heard countless pieces of advice like these:
- “Just relax!” (Sex regulated by a thermometer and a calendar is never relaxing.)
- “Take a vacation!” (Uh-huh. Then we can watch all the lucky couples with children yell at them in restaurants or on the beach.)
- “Bet you’re having fun trying!”
(You think it’s fun to be desperately disappointed every month when I find out I’m not having a baby…again?)
- “Why don’t you adopt? Then you’re bound to get pregnant.”
(Because an adopted child is a ploy to have our “own, real” children?)
Medical Treatment
At some point, many couples seek medical advice when they have trouble becoming pregnant. That usually begins with diagnostic tests to find out if there are physical problems. Then it may mean a surgical procedure or taking hormones. Eventually, infertility treatment can become a maze of cryptically-named high-tech procedures.
- IVF – in vitro fertilization
- GIFT – gamete intrafallopian transfer
- ICSI – intracytoplasmic sperm injection
- ZIFT – zygote intrafallopian transfer
- ROSNI – round spermatic nuclear injection
Once you learn how to pronounce all the words and learn what they mean, you must balance the expense, the sometimes low success rates, and where you stand on the ethical issues of high-tech treatments.
Although it is not a solution for infertility, some couples find that adoption is a wonderful way to build a family. As with infertility treatment, there are many choices: adopt an infant of your own race (which can mean a long wait), adopt a child of another ethnic background, adopt a child with special needs, or adopt internationally. Adoption can also be expensive and, since it involves profound emotions and fundamental human relationships, unpredictable.
Waiting
No matter what you choose to do—continue trying to conceive without medical help, pursue medical treatment for infertility, or look into adoption—the choice will involve waiting, until you either become a parent or find peace with the idea of life without children. There are several things you can do to help cope with the waiting:
- Don’t put your life on hold.
As much as possible, pursue the activities, hobbies, and projects that interest you. If the waiting goes on longer than you’d hoped, you will be involved in interesting activities and can still look forward to the future.
- Be in charge of the choices you make and treatments you pursue. The professionals who assist you are doing just that: assisting you. You are in control of your infertility treatment, adoption plan, life goals.
- If you pursue infertility treatment, consider at the start when you will decide to stop.
It can be difficult to discontinue treatment when you keep hoping that next time it will work. But infertility treatment can go on for years and cost thousands of dollars, and you may still not have a baby Be sure that you, not your doctor, make that choice.
- It’s okay to graciously avoid social situations that are painful to you right now, such as baby showers. Tell your friend how you feel—perhaps that you are happy for her but you are still working through the pain of not having a baby.
- Allow yourself to grieve. Going through infertility treatment can be an extended grieving process. Every time you hope to become pregnant and then find out you aren’t, you may feel sad. One couple described infertility saying, “We suffered the death of a child we would never have.”
- Seek the support of others who have been through similar experiences. RESOLVE is a national organization that provides information and support for people dealing with infertility. You can call them at 1-617-623-0744 or visit their Web site at www.resolve.org.
- Accept that you are not in control. It’s frustrating and discouraging sometimes, but there can also be great freedom in realizing that there are some situations you cannot fix. The Christian faith teaches that at those times you can rely on the control of God, who created everything, who cares for you, and who has a plan for your life whether you have
This God, according to the Bible, loves you completely and absolutely. He would do, and has done, everything for you out of love.
This doesn’t mean that he will give you everything you want, but it does mean that his healing will go beyond anything you can imagine. He sent Jesus, his own son, to live in human form, showing God’s love as he taught large crowds, healed the sick, and even raised the dead. He proclaimed that he had come so that we might have abundant life! After his death and resurrection, he promised this abundant life to everyone who would ever believe in him.
Now he says to you, “I can heal the pain of your infertility—if you want.” He doesn’t say how, he just says he will. He invites you to let him care for you. “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28). His life (and death and resurrection) show that his love is abundant, his power greater than pain or death, and that he truly gives what he promises.
As you go through the pain, uncertainty, and soul-hurt of hoping for a child, let Jesus give you rest. Your life will go on, and you will make choices related to infertility— to pursue medical treatment, to try adoption, or to move on with a child-free life. Accept that there are some thing you cannot control. Focus on positively influencing your life in the things you can control, and know that there is a God who loves you, who is in control of everything , and who has a plan for you.